It’s been five years since I underwent Occipital Nerve Decompression Surgery. I’ve wrested with what it looks like to learn to live again. Here are the lessons living with chronic illness has taught me.

2019 was shaping up to be a year that I pursued my calling to live a bold and brave faith until grief showed up with its own set of plans. Instead, I learned that being “fearless” doesn’t mean being brave enough to dream big, set goals, and conquer mountains. Sometimes being “fearless” means being brave enough to survive each day when your heart is broken, to do hard things to take care of your mental health and well-being, and to adjust to life without the presence of the one constant source of love in your life. 

Our walk of faith is full of unexpected twist and turns. The mystics knew this and incorporated meditation in labyrinth prayer symbolizing the twist and turns that our journey of faith takes us in our journey. An unexpected turn in my story caused me to reflect on what moving forward with God means.

365 days ago, I laid nervously on a hospital bed crying as I answered the pre-op questions asked by the nurse. My surgeon, Dr. Perry, walked in and saw my fear. He gave me a pep talk that I still remember clearly today. He said, “Listen. This is not an elective surgery for you. Your quality of life is declining. This surgery is necessary, and you are going to be fine. Now, let’s get in there and change your life.” And it did. One day at the time, slowly, but surely, I began moving toward a new way of life. The day I exited that hospital, I started the journey to reclaiming and rediscovering myself.

Turns out, letting go is complicated. Things stick with us long past we have told ourselves to surrender to God. I want to turn it all over to God, to let go and place it in his hands, but how do you do that? These reflections facilitate our journey of letting go - a process in which God begins to heal us and help us surrender to him. In doing so, we begin to trust and love him even more.

I turned thirty a decade ago. I was a headstrong and terrified momma expecting triplets with big plans, goals, and absolutes about how it would all work. It turns out; my thirties had much to teach me about life. Here are four lessons I am leaving this decade with that shaped who I am today.

In Luke 17:11-19, Jesus is walking to Jerusalem, and he enters a village on the border of Samaria and Galilee.  Ten lepers approached him and called out to him for mercy.  As they leave to go show themselves to the priests as instructed, they are healed.  All ten are healed, but only one of them turns around and comes back to thank him. 

How often are we like the other nine lepers with God and people in our lives? How often do we forget to encourage and thank those who have served us, prayed for us, led us, or in some way, touched our lives? 

For many people, Mother’s Day will be a happy day to fulfill the instructions found in Ephesians 6:2 to “honor YOUR father and mother.”  But for many, this Sunday will be filled with the complicated emotions that come from mixing our Christian church culture with the secular holiday of Mother’s Day.

I lost the most influential person in my life two months ago. The intense grief of this season has left me tattered and hurting as I struggle to determine who I am without her daily presence.  I’ve found myself in a season of where something unexpected has shaken my faith, causing disruption and pain. It turns out, I’ve found myself in a season where I need the lament Psalms.

To me, my grandmother was larger than life. She was the heart of our family. It was an honor and a privilege to deliver the eulogy at the celebration of her life. In Psalm 91, God says to those who declare that “He is my refuge”, He will reward with a full and abundant life. I can’t think of a life more full and abundant than my Ma’s.

Dreaming big dreams can be scary. They often invoke fear and doubt. But God gives us a promise in His Word that “Nothing is impossible for Him.” Lets make 2019 the year we believe God together.

Living a bold and brave faith means saying “yes” to obedience even when the future in entirely unknown.